Monday, June 17, 2013

Things Change.

Well, there's a lot of ways to explain this.  Not sure where to start.

The easiest way to say this is that something was set in motion years ago that I had completely forgotten about.  It was a long trip around from then to now and yes I had forgotten about it.  I had done so many things after that and lived a life so... varied of interests that I lost track of time really or what I was doing.  I knew a long time ago though I might need help if things started piling on too much and I couldn't reach the surface.  Stones have a tendency to sink when they're alone and don't have help, but I was flying high at first.  Nothing could touch me.  I felt like Icarus.  Maybe I started to fly too high on my own arrogance.

Something last year though had knocked me down to Earth a bit harder than I had planned or expected.  You can see it towards the end of the Avengers Academy run, where I'm still missing recapping and talking about the last issues to it.  In fact for a few issues before it...  Well pretty much the same time really that Haz-mat was having her meltdown in Final Exam, I was having one of my own in my life with things falling apart and my will to care just leaving me entirely.  Not that I was suicidal, maybe just depressed, I don't know.  I just couldn't focus or find the will to care about focusing.  Nothing had mattered anymore.

There are chunks of my life I still haven't talked about on here, and I probably need to still.  I will get to those when the times are right.  I do have a lot to say on matters of depression and suicide as it is a problem that many face at some time in their life.  I have mildly unique views on the subject though as I have seen hell first hand.  Okay not literally, but what's the point in writing if I can't use a little metaphorical flair and drama?

It is that experience though that makes me continue to live.  It created a promise that cannot be broken by me ever.  The problem with promises like that though... Unless you solve the root cause, the person will find loop holes.  For me that was smoking and living on the edge a bit more than I should.  I was never going to commit suicide, I never could, but passive suicide by not living was still on the table since it was indirect harm infliction.

People freaked out about the counter though.  The counter only went up because I just couldn't concentrate anymore on what I wanted to do and keep the blog up to date(it was a subconscious red flag though that something was wrong).  What I wanted to do was celebrate X-23's anniversary with style.  Make some CG videos using her and tell a story.  Maybe some music videos too while at it.  I do still have the tools and programs for that, but I'm also behind that curve a large amount.  I was leaning on Miku Miku Dance to do it, as I'm familiar with that application along side many of the post-processing aspects to get more quality out of it from asking questions of those pros.  I know I've probably bugged the hell out of Yodafone0624 on Youtube by asking so many questions about techniques.  I've dug through many of the open source render parts too like MMD Bridge that uses NVidia technology.  I've still yet to learn to rig models myself, well I did at one point, then didn't stay in practice so I forgot.  I'm back at square one on that.  DeviantArt user LittleAerith2140 helped me get a starting X-23 MMD model going though.  It was one of her earliest modeling requests she accepted and she has long since excelled and grown from it.  It was thanks to a user named Demonboy that I managed to get the X-23 model from Marvel Vs. Capcom 3, and I also have permission from Rexil to use their ripped and rigged one too(sadly, no permission from Capcom as yet).  I try to clear all my usages with the person I have gotten files from, or I don't use it normally(big companies notwithstanding as they often do not respond kindly to such efforts).  Granted there are some exceptions and techniques around that too.  After reading up on the MMD community and similar open communities for CG development, I agree whole-heartedly with them about maintaining proper credits and discussing terms of use or following them per individual that's unreachable.  Like an example would be Black Rock Shooters cannon.  That model is under a "do not modify" terms of use, but you can still use her parts and weapons so long as you aren't editing them in a model program.  So you could turn off everything but her weapons using MME, and voila.  Now you can use her weapons on another model without breaking the terms of use.

The original plan was going to be 11 videos.  That's what the counter was ticking down to.
One for every year of X-23's existence, plus one to grow on so to speak like birthday candles.
Most of it is locked in my head, as I try to be careful what is out in the world of mine per what I want to do over what I know I'm incapable of or is outside my reach alone.  A few songs I wanted to use are already known whether you know it or not.  Remember the Icons For Hire video I posted back in May?  Yes, that was one that I wanted to redo with X-23 doing the lead vocal singer part with other certain Marvel characters in the background and minor changes to the music video.  Her background band was going to be Deadpool, Wolverine, and Gambit(if I could figure out how to approach his model).

While currently I'm not sure how much of this plan I will be able to still maintain, I do at least want to get certain things done that I wanted to do before.  A fan mash-up trailer for example was one of the 11 planned.  That one I still want to do and need to as it's part of the editing exercises I need practice on still.  Originally I wasn't going to let anything break me from the counter either, and it seems people noticed that from various material tossed gently my direction.  The problem was, no work was getting done either.  I'd hit a perpetual cycle I couldn't break of no will to work but also no will to stop.  Some where around the 90 day mark I guess, I started sending out notices to whatever indie/fan groups I could about the anniversary.  Marvel had a heads up roughly 3 years ago.  I didn't think they would need another, but I thought maybe other groups might want to be involved too.  I didn't want to be selfish about this character and what she means to her fans.

Now I'm not going to mention names here as I do not want to put pressure on them.  What they decide to do is entirely their choice and I thank them for taking the time to listen to my request and consider it.  That's all I could ask of anyone.

I had already started the DeviantArt(found over on the right now!) group prior to that, as since DA was my first artistic non-poetry home that protected my work, I felt it fitting they get the heads up first.  It was the least I could do for all the help and tutorials DA users had made for the world to use and that I myself relied on heavily for awhile.

I'm forewarning you now though that I'm not sure how much will or can be done on my end coming up for this anniversary.  While I did need the wake up call, and I do greatly appreciate it, it has kind of backfired on me too about my focus for right now.  It'll fade.  Maybe.  It usually does.  I hope it does, well maybe not.  Not sure.  Life's confusing in some regards.  My time table is broken though.  I was supposed to be done making clips at the 50 day mark, and diving into editing the clips together and layer techniques among other post-processing aspects to create all the material.  After that was a 10 day window planned for youtube uploads to allow for re-uploads when YT pixelates or desyncs the work as it has proven to have a habit of doing.

I do adapt fast normally though.  Just the wake up call may have woken me up too much too fast even for me.  With forcing the focus on the camera of my life, it may have adjusted it too far for now into the sharpness.  Time will tell.  So that's what I'm trying to do now.  Salvage what I can and prepare overall for moving forward with whatever work I can.  There is no one to blame for that though but me.

I can't be mad about what happened.  I was dead inside, just not the outside.  So in many ways, this did save my life and made me face things I should have long ago.  I have a habit of running from light, and this time someone grabbed me and said "No, no running this time." They wouldn't let go until I would let that light back in my life, until they proved to me I wouldn't burn by its golden touch.
I still don't know that for certain, but at least now I want to find out more than ever.

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